I travel with intense trepidation following my previous sojourn, which threw up a number of unpleasant sitations. Myself and a companion by the name of Roger B Smith travelled to Carlisle late last year, intent on enjoying a relaxing and leisurely weekend with a few friends, away from the humdrum of our daily grind. What transpired was a night of undiluted and unimagineable horror. Even the bravest of men would recoil in terror on hearing of this tale. I don't intend to go into detail (it's far too terrifying), but having been suddenly abandoned by our inebriated host, we were left without food, shelter or clean water. We were forced to fend for ourselves in the heart of a strange city and seek temporary refuge in some of the north of England's seediest and decrepit establishments.
On eventually finding our designated shelter, and having had to wade through endless piles of fresh human excrement whilst fighting off local savages, we forced entry through an upstairs window and attempted to set up camp. But our problems had only just begun. It quickly became apparent that we would have to endure a night of discomfort perhaps only understood by Bear Grylls or Ray Mears. Did Scott or Amundsen have to use telephone directories as bedding on the way to the Antarctic? No - they had sleeping bags and tents. It is simply impossible to put into words the feeling of sheer helpnessness on waking at 5am and discovering an empty pizza box draped over ones torso in the manner of a blanket. Sadly my friend Mr Smith is now suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of the ordeal.
All that is history though. The official reason for my visit this time is to attend a football match. The real reason however is the consumption of copious amounts of alcohol. I can only learn from past mistakes and come fully prepared this time, which is why I have wisely invested in a Berghaus v2000 Explorer Pro Sleeping Bag (£699) complete with a Dreamland Deluxe Pillow set.
Smith and Streat (below) - Happier Times
Douglas P Streat is a man without fear. A man without limits. A man who refuses to bow to social norms. An enigma. Here is a man who will toss full vodka bottles into remote agricultural holdings in a bout of sheer drunken aggression, only to return the following morning to retrieve it once sobriety sets in. Here is a man who drinks full bottles of Sambuca as a pre-breakfast tipple. Here is a man who regards three bottles of wine as a 'light refreshment'. Here is a man who thinks nothing of defecating on a public thoroughfare. Douglas P Streat is a man amongst men.
2 comments:
What an account Toadburglar! I admire your courage.
By the way, I recall the time when DPS came to stay on Wellesley Avenue and despite the fact that we provided him with bedding he felt it was inadequate. He went to the bed shop at the bottom of the street and purchased a duvet and pillow which he then left them at the flat. That's when the man had loads of money obviously.
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